my confessions

haven't been on here for awhile, i allowed myself back on facebook and it seems to have taken me away from here! and that is just the first of my confessions.......
i have discovered, that next year, i don't think i will be able to have my big ol' garden as i had hoped. my desire is there, but my skin just is not cooperating. this season, my skin has fought all summer long and even now, not in the garden i am still working to get it healed. i am so bummed about this, but it is what it is. i can say i do know HOW to garden and can maybe even still grow a few things on a much smaller scale and in boxes, but my dreams of a self sufficient food supply (fruits and veggie wise) are gone......*pouting*. so next year i guess i will have to rely on farmer's markets etc....
also, in wanting to organic and chemical and process free in our home, has also not been a success.... too much work and not enough time. i found us eating out more (defeating the purpose) and spending more money on "organic" food and then spending more money eating out at non organic places! soooo i now resolve, to start small and try making BETTER choices (such as unbleached flour vs white) instead of BEST "whole wheat organic" etc...... i guess we are all gonna die sometime but if i keep pressuring myself to be "organic" it's gonna be sooner! plus, when i can take some of that pressure off, it makes cooking at home quicker, easier and more enjoyable. i AM trying to work more veggies and fruits in our diets and less junk, fixing vegetable instead of chips, or sunchips vs ruffles, when we do have chips! etc.... babysteps.

still working on fitting excersise into our daily routine. i am soooo NOT a morning person and neither are my kids, but once the day begins it gets busy and it's hard to get ourselves motivated. when you have a break you think " ughhh i just want to sit down and veg" instead of "gee i think i shall go for a walk" haha! ya not us, but it NEEDS to be us. atleast get ourselves moving on the wii fit games, SOMETHING!!! i will confess to having become addicted to watching shows on the computer. i felt so good to be able to say, ya we don't own cable, well who needs to when you have netflix and all the tv shows online! i just switched one screen for another and while the screen may have got smaller, my rear screen has gotten wider!

i have made great strides in the decluttering process of our house. still have alot to go, but feel good about what i have done. i think the next step is going to be convincing myself i dont' need so much of the non clutter but "practical" stuff! honestly i see tiny homes and think how does one fit all their stuff in there. if i was single with no kids, all my stuff would not fit in that house! but i think it is because they either have less stuff or they are destined to be on that show "hoarders" and when you go inside you see the house is literally being held up by "stuff"! i try to lay in bed and think.....if i had just a couple hours to load up our vehicles and get to some place safe, what would i realllly want to take with us.....then i KNOW what is most important to hang on to and the rest is negotiable. i KNOW i would want my sewing machine and fabric, but do i really need all those craft supplies? i KNOW i would want all our pictures, but do i really need all that memoriabilia? etc.... the only thing i can't decide, even in thos scenarios is if we really need all the blankets we own. i mean, blankets can be so versatile, used to wrap items in, to spread on the ground, to keep you warm, to cover a window (only in desperate times) and can be remade or cut into scraps, etc...
our homeschool front is going like this: again i confess to NOT being a morning person. frankie however, is really good about setting his alarm, getting himself up, gettng breakfast, and starting school. meanwhile, gracie and i are still in bed! sometimes she gets up and gets going on her own, but alot of times i go in and wake her up. frankie is fairly good about getting his stuff done and not needing help, except in math. gracie, she has a hard time staying on task. she likes to come up with any and every excuse to have to stop that video and do something or ask something. i have tried many tactics to fix this and some work sometimes and some work none of the times. the thing is, i knew she was doing this at public school too. i just need to figure out why and how to fix it. i am the same way, unless it's watching a show, i have a hard time keeping my focus on task. my mind wanders to this and that. maybe it's a girl thing, i don't know. and no, it's not add, though we tease it is. i think it MIGHT be a sensory thing. i am going to experiment with that and see how it goes. however, even with her lack of focus, she is doing better on her work than frank. while he has the self motivation, he does not have the patience he needs to slow down. he needs to read all the directions instead of glancing and thinking he knows what to do and he needs to recheck his work. alot of times when i point out an error, it was not due to him not knowing how to do it, but rather an error because he was rushing.....again same issues he had in public school. the difference is, i do not have to worry about a class full of kids therefor i am able to sit and try to figure out the whys and the hows to fix it....hopefully.....

on the church front.....we have finally found a new church we are happy at. it is full of homeschool families which is wonderful in and of itself. but also the kids have had great success in making new friends, we love the preaching and i THINK we will fit in nicely. i have a habit of volunteering for any and everything when i am new somewhere, so i am really trying to restrain myself from doing that here. i usually do so much i burn out quickly. i don't want to do that here. so i am doing some sewing for now, but i reallly enjoy that. i am restraining from volunteering to clean the church. they have mentioned twice that they need volunteers but i really don't have the time with homeschooling and this church is over a half hour away, so at this time it's not practical. but my incessant need to please tries to rear her head, but for now i am able to tame her. i want to take our time, get to know people and slowly get involved, a new approach for me, that's for sure, but one i feel strongly about doing. here's my selfish confession, we have been so hurt over the years by supposed "christian" friends, i have to admit (confess) i am hesitant to get too close to new people at this point, which is very uncharacteristic and unnatural for me, but something i feel is important at this time. now i do have to add, we have also found tremendous friendships from our christian brothers and sisters as well, but i just want to take things slow this time. i know being a christian does not by any means make you perfect, in fact the farthest thing from, it's in acknowleding your a sinner, that is a huge part of it. but there are just somethings, you really don't expect a christian to do! that doesn't mean i don't forgive, but i sure can not erase the damage it does. i admit to having done some mean things to people in the past as well, and so i try not to judge, but not judging is not the same as forgetting. if you get hurt doing something, it doesn't mean you won't do it again, it just means you will be extra careful the next time.......

and so on that i am finishing...... i have gotten alot off my mind tonite. i have tried off and on to keep a daily diary like my granny did. i'm definetly not great at sticking to anything! so this is the closest i think i will get. but i have to say, her daily diaries were short, there were so many things i wish she had expanded on, that leave me with even more questions....so i am trying to answer any questions my kids/grandkids my have one day as well as help them get to know me and how i felt at different times in my life. i need to start printing these blogs off and keeping them in a binder for both my kids (cuz i need one more thing to have to store! lol). or maybe just burn them to disk, that might be easier! ha!